A hunter's journal

[Mndz]

Okay well this is my first time writing a fanfic, so please tell me your oppinion and any mistakes I made. By the way the history happens in the world of the game named Monster Hunter.
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A hunter's journal chapter 1 "The beginning of a legend"
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There he was, surrounded by a pack of Giapreys when he though things couldn't be worse the Giadrome showed up, and so he drew his double swords it would just be a regular hunt for an HR2 level hunter, but when he was ready to charge something made the pack of monster flee he turned around he found himself in the presence of a Kirin the Elder dragon, he was ready to run, but the Kirin casted a wall of thunders in front of him, there was nowhere to run now, he even thought he was lost but from the peak of the snowy mountain a rapid arrow flew and pierced the Kirin's head making him retreat, tired from the injury of the lighting wall he couldn't do more, but collapse.

He woke up to find himself in the middle of the Gathering hall nursery where he have been for the past 3 days he stood up and when to the reception where the nurse was so shocked to see him up, because of the injury he had by being hit by the lighting, so after a talk with the nurse he discovered that he have been saved by no other hunter than "Wolf" a mysterious hunter that was given that nickname beacause after an accident that happened with his team while hunting Rathian which was a piece of cake for HR8 group of hunters, but they were surprised to be attaked by a monster who can't be seen the Chameleos, since it was the first time a Chameleos attacked a hunter the creature was unkown then, and the poison managed to kill all of his teamates, and after that he never hunted in group again.

After that the nurse asked him his name so she could feel the quest papers since he wasn't able to complete the goal of his quest, and he aswered "My name is Kai the sky hunter", after filling the quest papers Kai asked the nurse the where abouts of his armor and sworsd she said that his armor was so damaged that they had no choice, but to dump it after hearing that he desparatly asked about his swords the nurse said that there was no needto worry about those since they would only need to be sharpned by a whetstone he was realieved, and so he picked up his weapons, and headed for the store since he would need a new armor and to get his swords sharpned.
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A hunter's journal chapter 2 "Preparations for a new beginning"
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Kai entered the shop, and started talking with the shop keeper
"Hey there, I came to buy a new armor, and to fix my double swords" as soon as he handed his weapons the shop keeper jumped
"My my" said the shop keeper "You've got some nice weapons here, what's the element?" "They're wind and fire element" Kai replied "I've never seen a wind element weapon before" "Well... my master gave them to me, he was an important leader in the North Hunter's Guild" answered Kai he left his weapons ans started looking at the armors that were available at the shop, when he suddenly saw a nice Blue guild armor, the shop keeper noticed Kai interest in the armor and said "You got a good eye son this armor just arrived, but ifyou want to buy it you'll need a Comendation so do you have it?" "Sure, I've got lots of those!" "Okay then it will be 16000z for he complete armor "Mhh, I'm kind of short in money but since I need it to be a hunter I'll buy it other wise I won't be able to get more money".

After leaving the shop with his new armor equiped, Kai went straight to the Gathering hall to enter a quest, when he saw an injured hunter posting a request at the Quest Board, so he went and read the request:

HR:4
Reward:30000
Contract fee:2000
Quest info:I was collecting iron in the mines at the mountain, when I heard this powerful roar, and when I turned around I could only see the claw of a Tigrex throwing me of the mountain. Please slay the Tigrex for me if I don't get the iron from the mine my family will collapse.

After he saw the low contract fee, and the high reward it was decided he would go on that quest, but right after that he saw the HR required, he instantly lost any hope of gettng enough money to eat a proper meal, since he spent almost all of his money on that armor, the recepcionist approached him and asked him why he was so depressed, after he told her the story she ran and checked some papers, and told him he was able to take the quest, since he was HR4 already, Kai couldn't bealive it so he asked her why they had increased his HR by two leves, so she checked again and told him it was because of the Kirin Horn he had deliverd from his last quest, and so he rememred that the arrow shot by "Wolf" blew the Kirin's horn off his head, and so it was decided, he would depart as soon as his weapons are ready.
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Any suggestions are welcome.

[Mndz]

*Bump*
come on someone post his oppinion.

[Ling]

Nice fanfic dood! I see some grammar mistakes.

[Mndz]

Originally Posted by Ling

Nice fanfic dood! I see some grammar mistakes.

Thanks Ling I wrote it in a rush, I want to catch up with Rik fanfic, since it's awsome I got to try hard.

I'll chek it up in amin and fix it.

[TDG12345]

Very nice Mndz ;D

[Mndz]

Thanks, at least some peope at this site have an oppinion.

[Mndz]

A hunter's journal Chapter 3 A new friend
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After a few tries in the quest he wasn't able to beat the powerful Tigrex, Kai was leaving the nursery of the guild, when he saw a man in a black Fatalis Z armor with a long golden sword that Kai recognized as soon as he saw it, it was the Atlantica sword it was based on the designs found at an ancient underwater ruin.

Kai approached the unkown young man, and asked him carelessly if he wanted to join him in the quest, but he was interupted by the young man who said "My name is Ling and my moto is Ling is win" Kai was scared, but he as glad that he had justy made new friend, after talking some time with him, he asked him about his sword, only to be surprised by the fact that the Atlantica sword Ling had on his back was actually the a real deal that was found in the underwater ruins.

Ling noticed Kai injuries, ans asked if he needed help on the quest Kai instantly answered with a yes, but first they hve toget used to battle together, and so they picked a simple quest in where they have to eliminate a Bulldrome that was bothering the fishers in the swamp area, and so they departed for a new adventure.

When they were in the swamp area Kai armed a portable shock trap, and added a Poisoned raw meat as bait, meanwhile Ling was preparing a hideout where they would wait for the Bulldrome fall for the trap, after a few hours of wait the Bulldrome showed up and devoured the meat in a single bite only to notice he was paralized by the shock trap, but the bulldrome's power was to much and blew up the trap, the explosion was so big that it blew away Ling's hideout revealing their positions as soon as the bulldrome saw the he rushed towards them to pierce them with his powerful fangs, but Ling and Kai have released their swords, and where dashing towards him too Kai dashed under the monster to cut his legs when he was unable to move Ling released Atlantica's power in the monster neck with a huge water explosion, and so they returned to the guild for the reward.

[Ling]

Nice dude. Why am I a medic? D=

[Mndz]

You aren't a medic, you're just outside the nursery. lol

[~NATE~]

Great job Mndz.Awesome job for your fisrt time.=)

"A Hunter's Journal":chapter 1 "The Beginning of a Legend"-3/5.Great job, I loved how you started off the story in an action packed battle with your main protagonist probably versing a pretty big antagonist. Plus, great way to transition your story from your character collapsing from a battle scene then ending up in a nursery.

But not so great of a job with the format though. Not so good way to use grammer, punctuation, capitalization, sentence fluency and more.So you might want to check it out and work on revising that. Also, bad job on switching your person around. What I mean by this you need to stay in either 1st. person or 3rd. person. Plus, use more pronouns such as I, or he, or we, than using your character's name. If you keep using yous character's name all the time, it makes the story seems repetitive and it makes it seem more annoying to read.This is why I gave "A Hunter's Journal":chapter 1 "The Beginning of a Legend"-a 3/5.

"A Hunter's Journal":chapter 2 "Preparations for a New Beginning"-2/5.Not bad. Part 2 had some good points and some bad points.

Good job, describing your character's chat with the shopkeeper. Also, good job giving tons of details in the conversation that oyur main character had with the shopkeeper, making it pretty clear.Plus, not that bad in finding out a mission for your character to have; I liked how you set that up.

But once again, not that good of a job with spelling,vocabulary, grammar, punctuation, sentence fluency,etc. Also, your person wasn't that good once again. STAY WITH ONE PERSON'S POINT OF VIEW.EITHER 1ST. OR 3RD. PERSON.JUST STICK WITH ONE. Plus, it was also weird how you just went up by 2 levels. I think that you rushed it too much. It jsut seemed like that when I read it. Of course this is just my opinion, of course.

This is why I gave part 2 a 2/5.

"A Hunter's Journal":chapter 3 "A New Friend"-I give it a 3/5. Once again, it's ok. Had some good points and some bad points.

I liked how you brought Ling with his sword and how you broght him in with his cool sword and how he got his cool sword.Also, great jog how you staged the mission.

Still bad job with grammar,punctuation, spelling, sentence fluency, vocabulary. Their could be a little stronger vocabulary.But once again I think you rushed your main character, Kai, into meeting Ling. I think you rushed that a little too much.

But like I said earlier great job, how you had them going on an adventure, to kill the Bulldrome, and the way you sequenced that was great.

This is why I gave part 3 a 3/5.

Overall: Overall ,you did a splendid job and I give this stroy at the moment overall a 2.5/5.Great job how you centered this short story around Monster Hunter, and I can't wait to read some more about more adventures of Ling, Kai and many more. If I may suggest, I would suggest that you bring in a huge evil villain(antagonist) and that you keep up some more cool ideas and more creative quests.I think this story has a ot of potential and I hope you keep up with this and keep up the awesone work. I think you did a wonderful job for your first short story/fanfic and I can't wait to read more of this. This is why I give your short story/journal an overall 2.5/5 so far.

~Nate~ the fanfic critique :cool:~